


"while my guitar gently weeps"

by seunqmins



Series: our gazes meet and I see you in vignette [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BAND AU THAT NOBODY WOULD EVER READ BUT WHATSOEVER, Cheating, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mentioned Bang Chan, Mentioned Yang Jeongin | I.N, Side - Hwang Hyunjin/Han Jisung, Side - Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:29:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29996658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seunqmins/pseuds/seunqmins
Summary: The firsts and lasts in Kim Seungmin's life.
Relationships: Kim Seungmin & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Kim Seungmin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: our gazes meet and I see you in vignette [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2029132
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	"while my guitar gently weeps"

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a band au that no one asked for.  
> there's a smut scene with *****&&&&***** so please skip if uncomfortable.  
> title taken from the beatles' while my guitar gently weeps
> 
> P.S 
> 
> i'm not a part of any band so i'm sorry if the story seems unrealistic haha

  
  


The first time Seungmin's heart flutter is when he's five years old.

  
  


“ _Hey. Jude, don't make it bad._

_Take a song and make it better._

_Remember to let her under your skin._

  
  


_Then you'll begin to make it.”_

Seungmin is, to the say the very least, hypnotized. The lights are off in their living room, as little Seungmin in his favorite pajamas, finds his parents in the middle of the room with candles around them, TV on, his Mom and Dad dancing --- swaying with the music. There's something private about the occasion - the reason why his parents begged him and his older sister to sleep earlier tonight.

And then he sees them.

Not his parents, don't be stupid, oh no, not them.

He sees four people on TV, one on the keyboard singing, then two on the guitars and another one drums. Seungmin takes giant steps, till he reaches the TV. There's something about these four people on stage singing an unfamiliar English song for a 5 year old boy like him.

Yet, he smiles because maybe there's something abut the man on the guitar singing that strikes and hits him. And he wants that --- he wants that.

So he rushes to his parents, tugging their sleeves with stars in Seungmin's eyes as he points back on the TV. “I want that, Mom, Dad! I want that!” He says loudly and repetitively.

His parents smile at him fondly, his Dad carrying him on his arms. “You want a keyboard, Seungie?”

“No that!” He shakes his head.

“Drums?”

Little Seungmin only shakes his head harder, enjoying the way his hair plasters on his head as he does. “Guitar, Mom and Dad! Guitar!”

Kim Seungmin is in love for the first time.

*****

The first time Seungmin hears the sound of a guitar is during Christmas Eve, just like how his parents promised him in the middle of their anniversary celebration night in October.

His guitar is strapped on his shoulder, stubby fingers gripping its neck, his right open palm swipes on its strings. It first startles him, but after that, it brings him joy he doesn't fully understand. And then two of his fingers finally slip making a melody that sounds about right. It sounds okay (for him) so he does it again --- and again until he remembers a pattern that sticks to him like a beautiful plague making the curve of his lips turn upwards.

Seungmin's parents stare at him in awe and his older sister twirls around the living room in her long pink dress to the rhythm he creates. It makes him feel special with his family's eyes on him. It makes him feel like Seungmin is special. The glimmer in Seungmin's pretty brown eyes are a given of how much he's in love right now.

All he remembers is how beautiful it is to have something to hold --- to have something he can only make.

He dreams of playing of not just in front of his family --- but in front of many faceless people.

So Seungmin doesn't let go his guitar that night.

Not even the following weeks or months.

*****

The first time he feels elated, Seungmin is ten.

His family moves in Seoul and their house is much bigger than they used to. Also, he has his own room now --- thank god at least his sister is not going to annoy the hell out of him anymore or chuck a pillow every time he runs his fingers on Lenon [his guitar, and yes it has a name]. He is in the living room, without parental supervision and a brother who are out for a grocery shopping, learning the chords for _Maybe I'm Amazed_ when he hears a door bell.

_Odd_ , he thinks, they just moved yesterday.

When he opens the door, it reveals a boy who is not far from his age. He has beautiful black eyes and the biggest and chubbiest cheeks his seen in his entire life. (But it suits him, and his cheeks are very charming.) He also has his hands on his lips.

Seungmin raises his eyebrow at him.

"I am Han Jisung." He says, stretching his hand to Seungmin.

He glances at the offered hand and nods slowly. "So.."

"I live next door and I hear the strumming of guitar."

Oh. He feels a little excited now.

"--- so I went here and -- dude" Jisung is snapping fingers in front of him. He must have been dazed by the thought of making friends. "--- Dad is also a fan of The Beatles, too."

Seungmin feels like his mouth is going to tear from smiling his wider now.

"I'm Seungmin." He says, pitch a little bit higher. "And a fan of The Beatles, too!"

"Cool." Jisung comments. He shakes his hand in front of him. "But when will you ever shake my hand?"

"Do I have to?" Seungmin scratches the back of his neck.

"Duh. For formalities."

So he does. So Seungmin has found a friend who enjoys singing as he plucks his guitar. And he thinks - -- maybe this is the start.

_Of what?_

Maybe of something. But at least, it is going to be a start. And he is not going to be alone this time.

  
  


  
  


No matter how blurry of what he wants.

*****

“Or maybe we could start a band.”

The first time Seungmin has almost a heart attack, he is fifteen years old. He and Jisung start spending time with each other, mostly at Seungmin's room which is on the second floor of their house. He's carelessly strumming his guitar and Jisung is singing a bad rendition of I Want To Hold Your Hand, heads banging, clothes and blankets strewn on the floor when they hear a voice.

Three things happen all at the same time:

Jisung falling from the bed, dragging the blankets around him (as if they could protect him).

Seungmin yelling (he's going to deny this and say it's an indignant noise instead) and putting his guitar above his head (for protection).

And a boy with violet hair, hands on his hips, screaming as loud as Seungmin's. (Not that Seungmin screams like a girl)

“Who ---- are you?” Jisung stutters under the blankets, head showing.

The violet haired boy clears his throat and pouts cutely. “I thought I heard some sound. So I followed it.” He says as if that explains everything. “I'm Felix and my Mom and I just moved next to your house.”

Seungmin slowly puts down his guitar but still on defense mode. “But --- why – how?”

Felix (or so he says) moves on his bed, untying Jisung from the mess he's made. “And you have this giant tree just next to your window so I made a move and climbed.”

“Are you crazy?” Jisung asks, finally free from the blankets.

The other boy gives a mocking offended face and casually lies on his bed. “I play keyboards, ya'know so I was thinking why not make a band instead?”

“Make a--- what?” To say that Felix isn't making him flustered is actually a lie.

He's thought about it so many times. In his head --- in his fantasy.

Jisung, ever helpful, pulls Felix off the bed. “A band, stupid.”

Seungmin's mind is puzzled and confused, looking everywhere but the two boys in his room who are now fighting for a space on the bed.

“I think it's cool.” Seungmin whispers, mind across the reality now.

*****

The first time Seungmin tries really hard is when he's sixteen years old. In Kim's garage is where they (as in Felix, Jisung and Seungmin) try to make things official. Felix's keyboards is stuffed in the middle of the garage, his amp just beside it and Jisung's mic stand park somewhere in this messy garage-turned-music room.He knows they're not going to go anywhere --- not when what they all have are amateurs like them but there's tiny hope in his heart that maybe they can work something out.

Add that Felix is firmly optimistic.

Then, a short and scary looking boy barged in their garage without saying anything.

(Seungmin thinks he's quite used to getting shock and surprised when there's Jisung and Felix.)

“Is there something that you need?”

“Changbin hyung!” Felix singsongs and he watches as Felix clutches on the new boy. There's something about Felix's orbs that tells him something that he doesn't want to put his fingers on. For now. “Changbin hyungie plays a mean bass and he's here to be part of our group.”

“Group? Is this like some of a project?” Changbin asks in confusion.

“Silly Changbin hyungie!” Felix comments.

Seungmin rolls his eyes. Nice, he has silly band mates now.

“Blackbird.” All of a sudden, Jisung comments from the floor, phone on his hand. “It can be our band name. Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly.” He sings in his nicest voice.

Seungmin has fallen more in love. _Blackbird_. It has kind of a ring and a feel on it.

*****

Kim Seungmin has never seen or met anyone this dangerous but there he is standing on the coffee shop cashier, his deep black eyes staring back at him. He is a little miffed with the attention because he isn't used to it so he ignores and it and goes back to listening to his mp3 player. Until his earphone comes off after a few minutes, flinging on his shoulder, the boy in the cashier looking down at him with two cups of latte in his hand. “Seriously? A Taylor Swift song?”

Seungmin feels offended by the way he scrunches his nose. “She's good, though?”

“Your low standards in music amaze me, Stupid Kim.” The boy insults.

He wants to really slap the boy but he can see Felix giving him a stern look to behave or else _I'm going to chop off your balls, Kim Seungmin_. He shudders, he doesn't want that. He needs to behave and not bust out this boy's face no matter how much he wants to.

The boy sits in front of him, carefully pushing the cup on his side. He eyes him warily.

“So what do you want from me?” The boy asks, after drinking his latte.

He looks so stupid, with cream around his lips. _What a kid._

Seungmin glances around, there's no one in the coffee shop save from the girl manning the cashier. So he tries. “I want you to be our drummer.”

“Drummer? Of your hopeless garage band? I think we're wasting time here, pretty boy.” He says, getting up to leave.

_You make him say yes or I'm going to chop off your balls, Kim Seungmin._

Felix's threat rings in his mind. Seungmin knows Lee Minho is their last hope. Or in Felix's words _Lee Minho is the best drummer in our little town, you cannot not ask him, Seungmin._

_Then why me? Why not you?_

_Because he likes you!_

Really, how does Lee Minho like him when the least person Seungmin wants to be with is this dangerous Lee Minho whose eyes spell of danger, he who reeks of risk, he whose smirk is peril, he whose face is cute.

_Cute_.

_What_.

“Come on, Minho.” He says, following the boy behind. “Hyung.” he adds.

Minho continues humming outside and pretends Seungmin doesn't exist. It's one of the only many things he dislikes about him. Minho knows how to rile Seungmin up in ways Felix and Jisung would never. He's always under his skin.

He makes him feel feelings he can't comprehend.

“Min ----” He's about to say when Minho drags him inside a small space where he's super close to the boy. His chest is heaving and Minho is looking down at him.

“What would be the reason I should say yes to you?” He challenges.

Smirk? Present.

Face? Cute.

Ugh. No.

“Because you know you're the best drummer here in this little town.” He reasons exasperatedly.

“Cute,” Minho comments, tapping Seungmin's nose with his forefinger. “but try again.” Seungmin wants to throw the worst tantrum in the world. But Felix...

“Come on, Minho, what do you want me to say?”

The brat shrugs his shoulders and walks away once more like he has no feelings whatsoever. So Seungmin clenches his fists and teeth and follows Minho again.

“Minho! Come on, let's just give this a try. We can go far, I know it. I can feel it. Just give this a try. We're already desperate and Felix is going to kill me, so help me out, okay? I need you!” Seungmin's face is flushed from the cold and how he's trying to make Minho listen.

Minho stops and turns to him. Seungmin's eyes widen.

“Say it again.” Minho commands with teasing tone and eyes.

“We can go far, I know it. I can feel it. Just give ---” He's saying but Minho cuts him off with, “Not that. The last part.”

“Felix is going to kill me, so help me out, okay?”

“Nope.”

“I need you?” His tone sounds more like a question instead.

Minho seems pleased and nods thoughtfully at him, urging him to come closer. He does, lips inches away from each other. His gaze warms up Seungmin's freezing body, his hands cupping Seungmin's face. “Now, say it once more. This time, I want you to mean it.”

Seungmin quivers but he says it. “I need you.” His voice is barely a whisper and this time, it's not a question but more on a declaration. And he means it.He pats his cheeks with a smirk. “Now if you've only said that from the beginning, pretty one, then we didn't need to chase around. Come on.” He then rounds his arm around Seungmin's shoulders. “Let's go rock your garage.”

Seungmin takes a risk with his hands guarding his heart.

(But he's going to give his heart away. Someday. All too willingly.)

*****

The first time they unofficially start the band is when they perform in their school for a festival. He is seventeen with trembling hands and dizzy mind as they all stand in the middle of the stage. There are a lot of students and teachers in this Music Festival and Seungmin kind of wants to throw up. When Felix says they're going to perform one lazy afternoon, he doesn't expect to be like this.

But here they are. Here Seungmin is.

He turns around, tuning his guitar when he catches Minho's eyes on him, concerned and worried as he mouths, “Let's do this.”

Because really, this is the dream he's built not only by himself but with the rest of them, including Minho. They all want this. They all need this. And it's going to be now or never. He hears Minho clicking his drumsticks four times with a smirk on his face.

Minho has always looked attractive playing his drum set like he owns the whole stage. He turns around to Felix who's excitedly starting the keyboard, Jisung closing the mic onto his lips as Seungmin finally closes his eyes and strums his fingers onto his guitar. And this is it. This is what he wants as they all lose themselves into the rhythm of a mess they're making on the stage. This is what he needs as the audience sing along them --- losing voices and souls in the process.

This first time, though, he has no word to best describe how he feels.

When they all come down from the stage, there is someone waiting for them.

He has pink long hair, that's the first thing he notices about this --- boy? --- man?

“You look like a llama.” Jisung suddenly says.

Of all the things Jisung would say, it's this.

Everyone groans at him.

“What?” His best friend asks, shrugging his shoulders. “Llama-nim looks like an llama.”

Seungmin stares openly at the said alpaca --- perhaps, now that he's clearly seeing it, he looks like one. God, why is he even friends with Jisung, should be a question. He should have locked Jisung out the first time he met him. But his dramatics over why he's become friends with Jisung is halted because the one who looks like a llama suddenly starts talking.

His name is Hwang Hyunjin; sparing any formal introduction and straight up begins to say what he's planning for their band in the next five years in the span of a minute. He doesn't know why, but when Changbin looks at the other man, he has his eyes full of hope with his hand around Felix's shoulders. Then there's Minho who is casually swinging his body like a worm.

And then there's Jisung.

Jisung who has stars in his eyes looking up at Hyunjin. The very first time he sees him like this.

“So, what do you say?” Hwang Hyunjin asks with full of aspirations, too.

They all look around and shrug.

“Maybe ---- we could give it a shot?” Felix sounds hopeful.

And maybe, his heart is just as hopeful. Because no matter how ridiculous it is, it's like there is something about Hwang Hyunjin and his cute little mole that makes him believable, something that they can trust. Seungmin cannot point it out, however, as to what it really it is.

But he wants to hold on that tiny hope in this heart. _We'll make it through._

Someone finds his hand somewhere and Seungmin feels warm as he's lost in his own thought, when he turns around Minho is standing beside him, eyes glistening, heart just as hopeful as his. And perhaps, just perhaps --- maybe they can really try it.

*****

The first time he's thought about not playing guitar is also the first time he's ever thought about being in love with somebody.

The sound of the drums echo inside the newly studio they acquire (through the help of Hyunjin since they have been having a little “tour” around the cities and they now have the money to pay for the rent) which die as soon as the door squeaks as he opens it. Minho sits there among the instruments looking a little lost, looking a little confused. So Seungmin quietly sets his guitar aside.

“Have you ever thought about not playing the guitar anymore?” He quietly asks.

Seungmin straights his back at the question, striding forward to where Minho is. “Never. You know how much I love playing guitar. It's like --- it's been part of me ever since.” He shrugs. “Why did you ask?”

Minho stands up, pushing Seungmin to sit on his previous seat and hands him his own drumsticks. Seungmin looks at him confusedly. “Have you ever thought of trying something new?” He questions once more, his breath hot on his Seungmin's neck.

Seungmin shivers (whether from the question or intimacy, he's not sure). But he ponders by it. Has he ever thought of perhaps doing something more than playing a guitar? Has he ever thought of playing not guitar? For he's grown up attached to the said instrument, he doesn't know how to answer. But, Minho is already guiding his hands to create some melody that he's never thought as they play the drums.

It's both nerve-wrecking and exciting, Seungmin muses with a smile as they create something that's out of his comfort zone. And Minho is being really patient with him --- being nice and giving him some signals he can't quite comprehend. But it's amazing and Seungmin feels this for the very first time.

“Have you?” He asks in return.

With Minho at his back, and Minho meets his gaze, gentle and warm. “I have.”

“And what's that?”

Seungmin knows that curiosity kills the cat. And Seungmin's not sure if it kills him or wakes him up.

For the next thing he knows is that Minho is meeting his lips with such gentleness that he makes him want to melt. With such rawness that Minho is giving him, Seungmin wants to stay. He wraps his fingers around Minho's rough hair and devours Minho with such fervor --- such want.

And when they pull apart, Minho has a smile that's too spell-bounding. “That.”

“What.” He deadpans as he eyes Minho's swollen lips. There's such need to kiss him again but he tries to hold himself back. _You'll do it later, Seungmin. Calm down_ “I've always wanted to kiss you the moment I've seen you.”

Then ah, he thinks. Ah, he realizes that Minho --- and then oh his heart drops ---- it drops --- and then it beats abnormally fast and Seungmin pales because he's been thinking about Minho's lips again on his --- lips lips lips --- and Seungmin mutters “Fuck this” and chases Minho's lips once more.

Perhaps, he's in love. Perhaps, he wants to try something new like this. Perhaps, he wants to try this with nobody else but Lee Minho.

*****&&*****

The very first time Seungmin has sex --- he's already been feeling like he's flying on a cloud nine. Most of their tours have becoming successful, they have already recorded their album and they are ready to conquer the world (Felix's words, not his). It's not really that a big feat, but this tastes like success already for them.

The crowd sings along to some of their songs (the ones they have posted in soundcloud before) thus inflates everyone's ego as they all come down from the stage. There's still some buzzing sound in everyone's ears --- hands and voice still itching to sing songs. There are some lads who welcome them with wanting to take photos here and there, and some other bands (the ones with Chan hyung and co.) have asked them to eat dinner after the festival.

But there's a hand that weaves in between, all too familiar, Seungmin thinks and Seungmin is swept off from the rest of the crowd. He finds himself trapped at the back of their truck, Minho's own hands inside his shirt, and his own hands messing up Minho's black jet hair. His own eyes meet Minho's and thinks he can drown with such intense gaze.

“Pretty.” Minho praises, thumb pressing onto Seungmin's lips, with a smile.

And Seungmin blushes like a red tomato as they once again smash their lips together. Minho's fingertips traveled around Seungmin's own delicate body, exploring each and every crevice like he's a school boy - eager, unsure, and excited. But Minho has explored Seungmin's body like a blank canvas and he's ready to paint him with all the different shades of colors.

“You know I like you.” Minho admits.

Seungmin smirks and shrugs innocently. “No, I don't.”

“I like you.”

“And?”

“I like you.” Minho reiterates. “I need you.”

“*Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?” Seungmin singsongs.

The both of them laugh and Seungmin wants to kiss him again and he leans but is distracted by Minho's phone ringing. They both try to ignore it as they both lean to each other's lips but the ringing pursues and Minho groans as he blindly reaches for his phone.

“What the fuck, Hyunjin!?” Minho says, annoyed, in lieu of his greeting.

“Fuck you, too, Minho. Where is Kim Seungmin?” He hears Hyunjin asking.

Minho stares at him. “I'm here!”

“Good. Now turn your radio on.”

Seungmin does and there's a burst of familiar melody, of familiar rhythm, of familiar lyrics welcome their ears and Seungmin is ready to cry. Seungmin is ready to sob his heart because he knows this goddamn song so much with all of his heart.

“How does it feel to be one of those beautiful people?” Jisung questions this time.

“*Even after time keeps passing by

This constant desperation of mine

Makes me look for you

You come to me every night

And tantalize me again”

Jisung's sweet singing voice echoes inside the truck this time.

Minho then envelops him inside his arms. He's not realized it but as Minho softly cups his face with both of his calloused and hard hands, as he wipes his fingers just below his eyes, that's when he's known that he's crying. Because that fucking sounds good --- that fucking sounds wonderful.

“Holy shit.” He only comments because he's at loss for words.

*****

The very first time that Kim Seungmin almost loses his shit, it's the very first time they all stand on a stage where they don't have to share it with anyone else.

No more other groups to share the stage, no more backstage with no more space, no more other people they barely know, and most importantly the stage is all theirs to conquer. The venue is full. He sees both boys and girls alike pushing and pulling each other on the ground.

The countdown goes and when it goes “0”, the crowd goes silent. The lights turn off.

And the spotlight turns on.

Jisung looks so good. With his hand on his stand mic as he presses his lips forward till there's nothing but only sweet melodic voice can be heard. Then there's Felix, harmonizing with Jisung as he presses his fingertips on his own keyboard. He looks majestic with his eyes closed. Changbin stands next to him with fire and determination in his eyes.

Then there's Minho.

Minho who looks all so mighty in his black leather jacket. He, who oozes nothing but confidence as his drumsticks met his drums creating loud harmony together with the rest of the music.

And the crowd.

The crowd sings along with Jisung. They sing with all their hearts and Seungmin loses his shit as he suddenly feels emotional. They all know their songs. They are all singing along with them. He sees his parents and older brother down the stage amongst the audience with nothing but proudness as they look up to him.

This has been one of his most shining moments. Together with the people he's built his dreams with and together with the people who learned to love them. This is his dream. And this is becoming a reality.

*****

The next and next and next and continuous next's stages they have, Seungmin still feels nostalgic. He still trembles and he still feels his knees turn jelly.

But it's okay, because Blackbird is there. Minho is there.

Suddenly, Seungmin does not feel scared at all.

*****

The first time Kim Seungmin completely blacks out, he swears it's going to be the very last, as well.

Minho has his arms around his waist, and Seungmin feels comfortable and warm beside him. He sees Jisung and Hyunjin on a couch together. The younger on top of the elder. It would look cute and he would coo had Jisung not been drooling on their manager's t-shirt. Then they see Felix and Changbin on the smaller bed, arms wrapped around each others.

_Cute_ , he guesses.

Then suddenly, there's a shift on their bed and Seungmin turns around to see Minho in his beautiful blonde hair. He arches his brows because yesterday, he's so sure that the man has brown hair.

“What--” He asks confusedly, running his fingers on the elder's hair.

The younger Kim only smiles that has his heart racing. Homely, that's how he can describe it. With Minho beside him and his lazy smile and eyes and bed hair. Minho then reaches for his hair, eyes fond on it. “I like the purple hair. It suits you a lot. Like a doll.”

_What purple hair?_

And all the things that happened last night flashes before his eyes.

He remembers the booze fest that happened after one of the many concerts they had. He remembers Jisung belting out songs inside the noraebang they use to frequent. He remembers Hyunjin looking at the man with heart emoji in his eyes. And then Felix barging inside the room like he's owned it --- hair and shirt askew, followed by his own boyfriend at the same state with additional cans of beer in his hands. He remembers them all clearly, no matter how much wasted he is.

But Seungmin guesses that it's okay, it's okay to be here with him as Minho turns to him and crashes his lips onto his chapped ones. It's very much okay to taste the lingering cigar and Minho's favorite aloe vera shake. He thinks it's more than okay as the latter thumbs his sides, lifting a little of his sweatshirt. Seungmin feels very much okay as Minho suddenly takes off his own sweatshirt and Seungmin remembers how much he's liked looking at his toned abs. Seungmin giggles and runs his fingers along Minho's line and the younger can't help but take a deep breath from Seungmin's fingers.

And Seungmin finally loses everything as he runs his tongue playfully on Minho's navel and then Seungmin drowns from Minho Minho Minho Minho Minho. Seungmin feels elated by the moment but Seungmin can't shake off the feeling that someone is watching them --- watching him with green eyes as he's lost with Minho's lips.

****

The first time Seungmin breaks his heart, he wants it to be the last time, as well.

Maybe, Kim Seungmin decides, it's going to be the last time he's going to get drunk as the annoying sound of doorbell rings in his mind. He gets up on his wobbly legs and opens the door, only to see Hyunjin outside, nose fuming from anger.

Next thing Seungmin knows, is that he's picking himself up on the floor and Hyunjin yelling at him. “What?” Their manager challenges him and this is the first time he's seen the other this mad. “I can fucking take you down, asshole!”

Seungmin's at loss for the words.

“Did you ever think I wouldn't find out about it, Seungmin? Well fucking newsflash, I both have eyes and ears you dumb idiot!” Hyunjin is about to punch him one more time when Changbin gets in between them from the other room and Felix is holding him back. “You fucking think you can fool around with my boyfriend and get away with it?”

In Seungmin's peripheral view, he sees Minho, his boyfriend coming out of his bedroom, and followed by Jisung, his best friend. The latter can't even look at him straight into his eyes. He remembers the day he's made love with Minho in the bedroom with all the members present. He remembers the unshaken feel of extra pair of eyes watching them, even though they have tried to keep it as quiet as they could.

He remembers how last night, Seungmin's too drunk, as he passed out on his couch. He remembers Minho clad in his own black hoodie, with his arms around his shoulders and Jisung, his best friend, hot on their tails. He remembers blacking out of their couch and hearing noises but he's far too gone to even say something.  And Seungmin's stomach drops more and feels like vomiting just by the thought that he's been kissing the same lips his best friend has been kissing, as well. Seungmin's stomach drops by the thought that Minho's hands have traveled not only to each and every part of his body but also with his best friend's. Seungmin's heart drops some more now that it's crystal clear that Minho's heart does not only belong to him.

Hyunjin, Felix, and Changbin all but look at both Jisung and Minho and he knows that it's as clear as the water everything is over.

*****

The first time someone has knelt in front of him, Seungmin wishes he hasn't seen it.

He's not sure whether he wants to punch Minho in his face but he has fists balled up when Minho runs to him, securing his hands around his waist. He's not sure whether he wants to forgive Minho as he feels the damp on his shirt. He's not sure whether he wants to kiss Minho to stop him from crying because in all Seungmin's life, this is the first time someone has ever cried for him like this.

But Seungmin hurts. Hurts more than he's ever expected this to. Seungmin hurts as he pries Minho's hands off of him. Seungmin hurts as he turns his back to him to pack more of his things in his luggage. Seungmin hurts as he stops himself from crying.

Because as much as Seungmin wants to fight everything off, every little thing in their (his? Minho's?) apartment mocks him with the tiny whimpers he's heard that night. Whimpers which did not come from him, albeit caused by his boyfriend.

“Seungmin.” Minho calls him one more time, voice too broken. “Please. Listen to me.”

Seungmin pays him no mind as he zips all his suitcases. He pays no mind as he comes out of their shared bedroom. He pays him no mind as he looks around the living room and he remembers all the cuddling he and Minho shared under one blanket as they watched cliché movies and shared popcorn. When he turns to the kitchen, he remembers the time they have dirtied it in every possible way a man can ever imagine. He sees the veranda and remembers the time they used to hang their clothes together. His heart tightens as he turns to Minho who's still in tears because Minho, the ever confident drummer, is crying but Seungmin reminds himself that he, too, is just as hurt. If not more.

Seungmin heaves a deep sigh as he answers, “What? You're going to tell me you didn't mean it? Are you going to bullshit your way around me again?”

“No. I'm just ---” Minho hesitates and sighs. “I'm sorry.”

The older of the two laughs bitterly. “You should be. Remember why everything we've worked hard for is going down the drain all because of you. Remember how you have broken a heart, Lee Minho.”

The first time Seungmin has seen someone knelt in front of him, Seungmin wishes it's also the last.

*****

The last time Seungmin plays the guitar for Blackbird is when Seungmin is twenty five years old.

Instead of loud cheering, Blackbird's last performance as a group is full of crying and empty feelings. The bitterness lingers in between them as they all bow down for the last time because it's not supposed to end. Not just yet.

But Seungmin is hurrying down with his guitar the moment the lights turn off. He puts his guitar at the back of his old truck which he hasn't used for years, all ready to leave and go and forget all the things he's used to dream of, but not before Hyunjin, their now old manager pops in front of him with a gentle pat on his shoulder.

“Just --- be careful, okay?” Hyunjin says, and Seungmin knows that it's an apology from him, so he nods and watches him walk away.

Jisung shows himself the moment he's started his engine, who props his elbows on the car's window and Seungmin wishes he'd hurry up because as much as how touching everything is, Seungmin wants to forget. His former best friend's eyes are wet and tears are threatening to fall down and Seungmin hates it.

So he immediately brushes him off, muttering, “Let's forgive and forget. I'll see you around, Jisung.”

When he maneuvers his car, he catches Minho sauntering on the parking lot, with a smile that he's grown to love and adore and eyes that are pained, mouthing the words Seungmin has learned to love and hate, “I'm sorry and I love you.”

Seungmin watches the sun as it sets down, listening to the very first hit song their band has, trying to erase the last words Minho has ever uttered to him. He knows that if Seungmin believes him again, he's going to be royally fucked up.

Because he knows that his heart is ready to hold. He knows that his heart is ready to believe.

  
  


  
  


Because as much as he hurts, Seungmin loves him.

****

The last time he talks about his band, Blackbird, is when there is a teenager in front of him, asking if he's Kim Seungmin from Blackbird and that he admires him and likes all the songs as he mans the cashier at Mcdonald's. He feels shy and conscious at first, but he realizes that it's midnight and there aren't much people in the fast food restaurant, except him and some of his co-workers and a few customers loitering here and there.

He introduces himself as Jeongin and that, “I'm a huge fan of Blackbird. I have all of your EPs, yaknow. I still listen to them even if years have passed by.” The teenager suddenly heaves a deep sigh and Seungmin kind of is a little bit awkward actually remembering something that he's been trying to forget the past years of his life.

Seungmin looks everywhere but the teenager, trying to see if he can do anything to change the topic, however, there's not a customer at his back. “We're still wondering why Blackbird broke up. It's still a mystery.”

He punches the cash machine and smiles at the teenager like he's taught to. “Something's changed. There are some things you can't undo anymore.”

The teenager perks up by his answer and purses his lips, “Is that so? But have you ever thought of instead of undoing things, learn from it? Learn from it and let go? Be someone better? Something better? Have you lost your passion?” With this, Seungmin remembers the first time he's ever learned how to play guitar and the way his family looked at him with twinkle in their eyes. “Have you ever lost the drive?” With this, he remembers the catlike boy he's once met and how that boy made his heart thump crazier.

“You know what, I think?” The boy continues, as if he's never made Seungmin reminisce. “I think we're all lost, you just have to find your way back.”

Seungmin wonders, though, if he still knows where his home is.

But when Kim Seungmin closes his eyes that night, he dreams of his head on sun-kissed tone chest and of his catlike eyes as he kisses each of his fingertips. He dreams of a low husky voice he's longed to listen for the past three years of his life.

“You will always be my home. You're the one I want to wake up seeing your face first in the morning. I want to go to bed seeing your face before I close my eyes. You'll always be my home, Seung, I hope you would remember that.”

When he wakes up in the morning the next day, there's no one beside him. Only a thick black blanket that is wrapped on him is what greets him and a long fluffy pillow is what embraces him.

*****

The last time Seungmin's strummed his fingers in his guitar, it's when is also the last time he'd ever see his Mom.

Instead of screaming fans, Seungmin hears nothing but cries and sobs from the rest of his family members. The casket lowers down the by the end of the last note of his guitar and this time, it finally sinks in that he will never see his mother again.

He'll never see the way his mother's eyes twinkle every time he plays his guitar. He'll never hear his mother cheering for him in the midst of the crowd. He'll never see his mother's own motherly beautiful smile to calm his nerves down. He'll never see his mother again.

Seungmin does not weep in front of the other people, but when he closes the door of his family's house and turns to look at the pained faces both of his father and his older brother, that's when Seungmin breaks down.

He kneels on the floor, clutching his old worn guitar his parents gave him when he was five years old, as the tears finally break free. It's when his father wraps his arms around him, and his older brother pats him as gently as possible on his back when everything breaks down.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” The words escape his lips. “I failed you. I'm sorry that I didn't get to be whatever you want me to be.”

His Dad smiles at him, old, tired, but gentle. “You have never failed us, Seungmin. You have made both your Mom and I very proud of you. We didn't want you to be anyone, we wanted you to be happy. Were you happy, Seungmin?”

Seungmin wipes his tears with his hands and nods.

“Are you happy?” His father asks once more.

He stills and thinks about it way too hard more than he expects. He remembers the hopeless band in their empty garage. He thinks about the first time he's heard the first hit song Blackbird had and how it was wonderful hearing it. He remembers of sweet promises Lee Minho had made in the past and how they believed in all of those.

And he remembers right now and, “I'm not, Dad. I don't think I will ever be.”

“Son,” His dad sighs. “I hope you know that you deserve to be happy. I know that you want to forgive, as well. You cannot be happy when you keep holding on to something you shouldn't hold on.

  
  


  
  


“Even if it hurts, Dad?”

  
  


“Everything hurts in life, Seungmin, and it will not stop hurting. But just because it wouldn't, does not mean that you stop in your life, too. Learn how to go and move. Learn how to forgive and forget. You'll be a lot happier.”

  
  


Seungmin wishes it's that easy and simple.

*****

The last time he swears he's going to give into alcohol is when he's twenty-nine years old and thinks he's a little too old for clubbing as he drowns himself into another shot of tequila.

He thinks it's a little enough, for him. He's also a little bit better now. He thinks he is as he runs his fingers in his black hair and adjusts his tie to become more comfortable. He thinks he is as his eyes roam around the dark and loud place. He thinks he is as he downs another shot of tequila. He thinks he is until he knows he isn't.

He knows he isn't when he thinks he spots a mop of gray hair and perhaps in his hazy vision, he creates his own illusion. He creates big brown eyes that he's gotten lost into way years ago. He creates those soft somehow blackish lips and when he smiles, his eyes become moon crescents peeking out, in his mind. He creates those thick thighs and long legs which he seemed to have touched way years ago.

He creates that vision of the man he's longed to see again.

And man, Kim Seungmin knows he's fucked up.

Because illusion-Minho is coming towards him and if Seungmin can picture a red alert signaling him to run away --- to escape, he knows he would. He knows he would because illusion-Minho or any related to him means danger danger, you should stay away.

When does Seungmin ever listen anyway?

The moment that illusion-Minho is standing beside him, before he even says anything, he already stands up and locks his own lips with him. He only knows how much he's missed the taste of cigarettes and aloe vera and god the stranger's lips taste so much like the real-Minho. He misses how he threads his fingers into real-Minho's a little dry hair because goddamnit, illusion-Minho's hair feels the same. He misses how there's so much going on when he meets illusion-Minho's eyes. It's like he wants to believe in love again.

And when illusion-Minho smiles, oh god, Seungmin breaks down on the floor. Because illusion-Minho's smile mirrors exactly the same as his own Minho and goddamn it, he misses him so so much it hurts him. Maybe, just maybe after this night, Seungmin wouldn't want to get wasted anymore.

*****

The first time Seungmin wakes up in a stranger's house, his head pounds so bad from too much alcohol intake.

  
  


His surrounding is not familiar as white walls greets his sight. It's oddly homely, for him, as he scrunches his nose with the oddly familiar pancake smell and maybe, this is still a dream as he pads his way outside the room.

What he least expects is a man with gray hair, hair tied like an apple. He's wearing nothing but an apron and jogging pants on and god if this is a dream then he wants to stay in this dream for the rest of his life. Because Seungmin exactly knows the wide shoulders and those back muscles because he used to run his tongue on them so many times. He knows him because his heart is thumping faster than it should be.

And when the stranger turns around, he has the goofy smile on his face and the all too familiar eyes.

“Pancakes?” real (?) Lee Minho asks.

Seungmin feels the tears falling from his face.

*****

The first time someone has kissed Seungmin's tears all over his face is when Seungmin feels the most alive.

Lee Minho is real and alive and breathing and just real as he peppers Seungmin's snotty face with kisses that warms not just his body, but his heart and soul. Minho holds him like he's fragile, treating him with care and love he's been longing for the long time. He looks at Seungmin with utmost love and adoration as if he is Minho's universe.

He wants to believe that inside Minho's arms, he's safe.

With each kiss that Minho gives, he mutters I'm sorry. With each kiss, he murmurs he wants to start again. With each kiss, Seungmin becomes okay, okay, and more okay as he smiles with every touch of Minho's lips on his.

“I'm so sorry.” Minho finally murmurs, lips dangerously close on his. “I know that millions of sorry's will never be enough. I have wronged you --- the others. It was a stupid mistake that broke us all. I'm so sorry. When you left, I was so scared. It was so new --- fearing of something. You and I both know I would always welcome a change.”

Minho heaves a sigh. “But --- not that change, Seungmin. I never wanted to be without you. I never wanted to go on without you. It was so so scary.” Seungmin looks up and sees how Minho's eyes are red and the tears falling off. “I had to deal with it, though. I --- I fucked up. I broke your heart. The heart I've been trying to take care and I had to break it.”

Seungmin suddenly cups Minho's face with his own trembling hands and says, “Shh. Shh, Minho---”

“I'm so sorry, Seungmin. And maybe, you won't want me anymore.” A lie.

“You may not forgive me anymore.” Another lie.

“God, I don't deserve you --- I don't deserve to be loved anymore. Not by anyone. Not especially you.” A lie again because Minho, you deserve all the love.

Minho looks up in the ceiling, looking his most desperate. The all too confident Minho's gone. He hates it because no matter what has happened, he's loved Minho --- will always love him. “I hope one day, you can find to forgive me. In your heart.”

Seungmin nods at him with teary eyes and a smile that hurts. “I have.”

“No, no, not now, Seungmin. Not now.”

“But I have.”

“I don't deserve.”

“Oh goddamn, yes you don't.” Seungmin stands up and meets Minho's eyes directly. “But I have. Because no matter what's happened, I still love you. I'm still in love with you. The heart break has taught me a lot. It's not just about forgiving you --- but forgiving myself, as well. You're so so brave, Minho.” He tells him, now his hands on Minho's jaw. “It takes a strong person like you to say sorry.”

“But it takes a stronger person like you to forgive, Seungmin.”

“Thank you for making me strong, Minho. For making me the person I am today.”

Minho kisses his eyes, his nose, then his lips with fervor this time. “I will every day be sorry, Seungmin.”

Seungmin nods, trusting this time. “I want you to say it to me again, Minho.” Seungmin signals Minho to come closer, a little bit playful and a little bit how the younger did the first time he begged him to be part of Blackbird. “Tell me again, Minho.”

“I will every day be sorry?” Minho asks, feigning ignorance but Seungmin knows that Minho knows what he meant as crosses his hands on his chest.

Minho puts on an understanding smile and means every word that comes off of his lips, "I need you, Seungmin. I need you and this time, I will never let go."

This time, Seungmin believes because when you love, you forgive and you let go.

*****

Seungmin is thirty when Minho kneels in front of him for the second time of their lives.

The cherry blossoms are more beautiful this time around showering on their heads as they walk around the park, Seungmin's hand fits perfectly fine on Minho's. They're getting better and better this time as they move on together.

When Minho tugs his hand, he turns around and sees Minho kneeling down. This time, though, Seungmin's heart is not breaking. Seungmin's heart is not heavy. This time, Seungmin's heart is elated because Minho on his knees, with the cherry blossoms showering over them, and the rest of the Blackbird suddenly showing up with Jisung holding a guitar, everything suddenly feels very right.

“I know that I want to spend my lifetime with you. Do you want to spend yours with me, too?” He asks, hopeful, smiling, and fresh.

Seungmin grabs him on his collar and answers, “Then tell me again, one more time.”

“I love you?”

Seungmin shakes his head playfully.

Minho breathes out and presses his lips onto his. “I need you.”

Seungmin shakes his head one more time. “This time, I want you to mean it.”

Minho puts on the ring and kisses each of his fingertips. “I need you. And I love you.”

This time, it is forever. Seungmin and Minho are going to make it forever.

**Author's Note:**

> KUDOS and COMMENTS would be greatly appreciated!!
> 
> [SONGS MENTIONED:
> 
> * "Will you still need me, will yo still feed me when I'm sixty-four?" - When I'm Sixty-Four - The Beatles
> 
> Even after time keeps passing by  
> "*This constant desperation of mine
> 
> Makes me look for you
> 
> You come to me every night
> 
> And tantalize me again"
> 
> \- SKZ's On Track
> 
> PPS
> 
> it's inspired by a fic i have loved so much! thank you for reading!


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